moving in with mom after dad died moving in with mom after dad died

I typically visit Dad once a year and he does the same. I went alone, my husband started a new job and we cant afford it yet. They said if they were in that situation they wouldnt be selfish like me. Forcing a new person on a family who are still going through that process with scant regard for their emotional state is not a thing that should be embarked on lightly. Everyone deals with death differently; my family is a prime example. Dad lost his car in an accident just a few weeks before the stoke. I am the daughter-in-law, though. I question my Dad, he says it is temporary until she finds a condo to buy. I was sitting with her overnight when she passed away, and cannot get the events out of my head from what happened (no matter that the grief counselor I have seen says I should be happy because from what Ive told her, she didnt suffer like others I have heard of). Having to have chemo weekly with only a few breaks in between, left her very ill during the process. We toured , we ate , we relaxed we connected again and again. You are correct your dad should not force his new girlfriend on you at this time it is to early. If you can, get her active in life. That is what mom wanted and he has failed miserably in the 6 months since her death. We were married for 22 years and have many happy memories to keep. And the really bad part is, there is NOTHING that can ever change this. I did want to address a couple of points. All I see is that greed has been number one on his list. She was sick for just a short time. I think all the dads that want us to accept them so quickly in our lives should stop and take a minute to think about what it is doing to their children. I began to call her around 4pm every day and wed share about our days in lockdown. After reading all your posts, Id rather never meet her! So, long story short, mom died two years ago, dad took up with at 16 months, dad had a heart attack one year ago, and has now moved in with the GF. left and never turned back, he took her to Florida for a month when he got back never contacted me and when he sees me he ignores me and snuggles her or holds her hand , like he is rubbing my face in it, siblings say get over it and let him be happy, I just cant, I am so hurt and he has also made comments to me THAT i FEEL WERE IN APPROPRIATE she has the womans touch, and you dont know how i lived very hurtful things anyone else having issues like this, I totally understand both of you. Within weeks of her death a woman who had been a school friend of my mothers who would show up maybe twice a year or say she would visit and then not bother, phoned to offer a shoulder to cry on. After Moms Death, Daughter Struggles With Dads Girlfriend. It sucked having to hear every once in while about the court problem. I LOST IT. I attempted to counsel my dad on the timing and the possible reasons he wanted to pursue this intimate relationship and the reasons he should wait. Ill never forget Christmas morning, crying in her hospital room together. I have cooked many meals for families grieving, and you would be surprised what good catharsis can come of it. It's nice you and her were able to mutually benefit with you living there but now that you're ready to it's awesome! My sister, brother, and I only were told one month before she passed that my Mom was going to die. She is actually very wrinkled even for her age although she is very fit indeed for her age. Your mom will get there too. They were married for 52 years. Sadly, Mom passed away in 2002 from that awful C wordCancer. I tried everything I could think of to resolve our conflict. It is easy to forget to appreciate the loved ones we see and speak to every day, but one day, they will no longer be there, and youll yearn for just one more opportunity to hug them and tell them you love them. Here's what I learned through the pain, and what I hope to share with others. With my dad was informed that her mother passed away last may remain loyal to die someday. Today is a gift of God. 03/10/2020 23:12. You need to figure out how to be self-supporting instead of relying on me to take care of you. I can offer no hope to anyone going through this. I live in a different city than my dad, so I think it hit home for him when he could see how physically upset I was. I dong want to meet her. Throughout life, you will be pushed to your limits, and each time, it will feel like it cant possibly get any worse, butmore often than not, it will. . But you are the one who is grieving, not your Father, and you can experience it any number of ways. I dont know if this situation will ever be reparable. But I do agree the but family thing is just bs. This is step choreography for the real world- it is a exact blend of fascinating movements but not too complicated. Death is sad no matter who weve lostthats why we all cry when Mufasa dies in The Lion King. I feel like Im being emotionally abandoned all over again and Im 50. I had always been very close to my Mom and I knew my Dad was lonely and miserable. But you get the gist of it all. Two years plus into the relationship and we reset the course of the relationship to give his adult child (AC) time to accept and adjust through their own grieving process. Did it make me angry at her? I lived there from 2005 to around 2011. but she is an active participant in the redesign. What the actualI have three cells (mine plus kids) and a landline and probably pay less than $200 - Canadian. After chiding myself for all the things I could have done with my dad, and replaying every negative remark I ever said, I realized guilt is an emotion that is draining and is not conducive to feeling better. Now I struggle with young boys who miss their mother, but desperately crave a mothers embrace. You focus on taking care of your family and your mother needs to focus on taking care of hers. He waschillingat hers today so couldnt even call in to see his grandaughter to congratulate her on exam results,says hel call her tomorrow. So sada horrible lesson of how not to act..and it has only now been 7 months. I am pushed out and dont know what to do except stay away, but he is probably dying. Every person mourns in different ways, intensity and time. Form ssa-5 information you die someday. They have always fought and split all through the years vowing never to speak again. We suffered with them too as well as all the family members. I have found out that because of her, old friends of my parents (who also know this women) will not talk to my father because they have never like her. It is time for you accept that the lifestyle dad provided for you is gone. Key points. We spend a lot of time talking about mom, as well. Dont be so hard on yourself! And the whole time he was here, he was watching the clock and couldnt wait to leave to get back to her. Before after ashlie walton's mother asked my dad was really dependent. My dad at times had his head down as if he were ashamed or saddened to hear my pained feelings. (My sisters name is Julie, too.) My Mom was coherent and had a her faculties to the end. My uncle became an alcoholic in the aftermath of his wife passing so it's something that i'm always very aware of. I was not looking for this it just happened. I cant tell my dad how I feel as I dont want to upset him. By the time the end of January rolls around my dad is planning a trip to the phillipines for May 2013. Can not understand we dont need her in our lives. This disease took her away from me as a wife. He constantly talks bad about my mom and then crys over my mom. I was shocked. There have been other things, that have been bothering me from the beginning of this relationship but I will not get into detail it could lead into a story bookI respectful and pleasant and asked to do what Im always told to do..I know he is a man that can not be alone and my mother said the same thing to him on her death bedMy mothers words I know you can not be alone, but please do not marry a FLUSSY Well mom, if you are reading from the heavens above It went in one ear and out the other!! It has crossed my mind that hes in it for his estate or money. The complete opposite. Wn we would try to bring it up to him it became Dont you want me to be happy? I just miss how my family used to be and having someone I my life that doesnt judge me and loved me unconditionally. If you do not take care of yourself, then you cannot help others. I have said from the beginning, my father us a grown man and he can do whatever he wants, but it doesnt mean I have to like it. Mumbling, repeating herself, not eating but complaining about her weight to everyone including fat people (95 pounds!!! Amen, Jodi! My mom, like many of your moms, passed away from cancer (colon), in 2006. The speed with which these relationships begin seem to be often at break-neck speed and you are wrong to say you cannot say how soon is too soon? If what I do causes distress to those around me then for that I am responsible. His main focus is just Money. Please do not throw daggers, but I was the girlfriend of a widower whose wife died 3 years ago of cancer. there is nothing you can say, but a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen will always help. But we dont live in a perfect world. dont attend any family functions until the rest of the family has had time to grieve and cope with their loss. While he will be happy that he's dating. Dont get me wrong, there have been many bumps along the way, but we have always kept the big picture in mind. Thank goodness for social media, it helps a little. Free moment they are on mom's. What I got was a Thanks. Is she going to pay for her extra data if she causes it to go over? It's past time for your mom to get a job and/or downsize. The next morning i was woken up with her SCREAMING that she has NO privacy in this house. Finally i heard my dad, he told her to shut it, because he heard enough and shes a horrible person. When I wasnt in class, I was in the hospital talking to mom, watching her sleep, and helping her stay comfortable. She is perfectly capable of getting a job and providing for her own children. Let me preface that by stating Im an only child and he is really the only family I have, outside of my husabnd and kids. If he is not in a healthy relationship with you, how can he be in a healthy relationship with the girls? Your letter reminded me of something On my final fitting for my wedding dress she said Youre not getting married in that dress are you with those spots on your back? How kind to give my confidence such a boost! I bet he has no idea how this has hurt you, After losing my mom and seeing my dads insecurities surface so quickly, I have begun to look more at him as I would a child. I am the girlfriend of a widower of 3 grown daughters. From the get-go me and my siblings had qualms about his relationship. My father has no friends so thats why hes so desperate to be with her. But to do it by never seeing/visiting your only daughter and grandchild? Dating for over 50 years, my dad moving too difficult to clean out, death of a two-year battle with my mother passed, is tomorrow. She also lost her husband same year as my mom. This is all about you not wanting to be alone, because he did not have enough time to understand his grief nor did any of the other family members. 755 Likes, 6 Comments - Shy Wolf Sanctuary (@shywolf_sanctuary) on Instagram: Raven was in need of rescue after her mom died and dad gave away all animals so that he could move Dad died, my older brother, and i am 26 years old family. Perhaps just go out with death and this will never an unhappy outcome. I didnt even know if my dad was going to live and my mom had just past some months before and here I had to deal with her. Recently my sister was hoping to get some help from an organisation where people visited the elderly. However, as big events come up in our lives, issues come up. He is only thinking of himself. Its not report and elsewhere. She wont let us help her do anything if it pertains to my dad including going into his bedroom. He still craved that companionship and the want to be close to a woman again. I now know that he would make the same choices again as he proves on a daily basis. Then instead of her telling me how she feels, she complains to my Dad, and I get yelled at. . I had bad exam results. I flat out told him Im not comfortable with that, and I dont know if Ill ever be. I have given up. Subscribe to? What is wrong with you. No one could fail to feel for the terrible situation in which you were left. About 8 months or so ago, he informed me that he was going out-of-town to meet a woman he had meet on an online dating site who lived in a nearby town. If they tell me Ive done something to hurt their feelings, I will talk with them and try to rectify it, I would never dismiss them! He checked out. I know that not all the persons that come into your families are there for a good reason. My life hasnt been the same since my mom died but its also changed even more since my dad left. Its during times of grief like these that we need the support of our family and friends, we dont need to be torn apart by it. Being with my father when he died taught me more about life than death. We, siblings were there daily for them as they went through this and Dad was very needy, calling me 3 to 4 times a day, wanting me to come over and sit with him. The problem is, even if the relationship is short-lived the pain it has already caused will not heal. Eight months after my mother died my dad gave a woman a diamond. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: I might be the asshole because I left and didnt want to pay what she was losing in state support, and now theyre struggling. Although, I support him having a new life with a new lady friend, but not this soon. Try to do everything that you reasonably can in order to offer your mother a sympathetic ear. I did not mind that he was dating it all comes down, to who he is dating. I dont really want a relationship with her. We are just trying to cope and move on but Ill tell you, it was way too soon for us. He so does not need this drama, but I dont know what to do at this point. It was both a good thing for separation from the all-consuming disease and bad, because I selfishly didnt have to share the burden my Dad did. I received many lovely messagesbut a simple, heartfelt letter from my friend Whitney is the one that always stood out. Plus I told my Mom to not trust her and My Mom would say she is ok, she kept coming over , and I can not go over to see my Dad with out her coming over . I felt willing it to her was a stupid decision on his part but there is nothing I can do about it. How to get a good woman. Then I remember my mom saying the second wife always gets treated better after several of her friends husbands remarried after losing their spouse. He made it clear that he had already made a commitment and promise to marry this woman somewhere down the road. Practice remembering hard, so that you still can when you're older. I felt, and still feel, as though I am left in charge of making sure he's okay. This is (as I tell EVERYONE) a testimony to how great a mother she was before this terrible illness struck her. He claims he wants to do what he wants before he dies. My experience with this is quite similar. In my own case it was what eventually powered me through some difficulties. Dad had a couple girlfriends.that we liked. We are not open about things at all, but a feeling is not always easy to hide. I see it like this. Its disrespectful and rude. Anyway, I know my Dad has been making an effort to be social, as everyone recommends after a death. If ended up asking my brother to take he for a walk just so I could get her out of my sight. I just listened and said nothing and asked if he was done and then I asked him about his day. She didn't want that. I dont ask for a thing from my father, either. He told my sister not to even make eye contact or speak to her. My sisters and I will be there to support him and love him through it. Ever since we lost Mom, I have felt like I no longer belong in my family, and this just makes it worse. After a year my sister got a call begging her to pick him up immediately as basically she was kicking him out. They will barely speak to him, yet he continues to talk to them about her and asks them if they like her or tells them how much he wants them to like her. I did, however, start practicing acceptance and my father never forced me to be ok with anything. She was diagnosised with pancreatic cancer and only lived for 20 monthsthose 20 months were so hard on her. We absolutely love one another. My Mom died December 5th, 2012. Sometimes she doesnt see him for 3 weeks at a time. My responsibility now, and mine alone, mostly, is to see that my children have the best chance of success in life. Within 3 days of her passing, my dad asked me if I wanted to meet this lady friend of his. P.S Sorry for the typo in last post should read threw herself at him, Hi,I was just re-reading these posts and I wanted to address some of the points made by Todd Paxman in posting 54. I would appreciate some validation from him he wants to know what I am feeling, but isnt necessarily up for doing anything that would change a decision he has already made. I am just mad at him, I guess. I dont know how it happened but I met someone who was a friend of my wifes and we just started to fall for one another in way that I didnt think was possible, not ever, especially not after literally years of lonliness, maybe thats what your father feels. Dont think of rights without obligations and please try to have empathy. That is not it, I want him to be happy. My first thought was WTF but once a selfish person always a selfish person. My sister said it was very irritating, she could not even visit with my Dad because of this lady. This has helped him considerably, realizing that there are more people that depend on him than he thought, and how important he is to people. When she retired she moved in full time leaving her family down south. While you may feel alive and aglow this poor family are aghast. Her name is not on the account, but mine is! When my mother died my sister moved in to her house and is living there and wants to buy the rest of the siblings their share of the house. I miss my husband with all of my heart and would do anything to have our life back and the way it used to be. I didnt make myself visable every visit. I think cooking with her will really help. Then in August, he went to Cabo with her sisters and family. Know that even if they fumble over the right words to say, or text you a meme when you were hoping for sincerity in that moment, that they love you, and are trying. I live too far away. The love of our lives died right in front of us, helpless, all our dreams to grow old together and spend the golden years taking care of each other, see our grandchildren grow up, be with our best friend forever just vanished in front of us. I am also dealing with the situation of my father being remarried after my Mom passed away. November 11, 1998 dawned grey and cold. Hes doing it now. You deserve better and dont continue to make yourself miserable because of the poor choices your father has made and his bad attitude. Know that there is someone in England who is thinking of you and hoping you find your way. 97,343 The three other suspicious deaths linked to killer Alex Murdaugh and his family During this period I recommend that the complete family join a grieving group. Thats when I started really being suspicious of her. but Im defensive and worried.. Maybe she is the one but like many of you, she doesnt seem to be trying to have a relationship with me..We go out to dinner together with my husband, daughter, Dad and dads girlfriend, and its like crickets. I began to date the Widower almost 1 1/2 years following her passing. While my situation is not quite the same as yours, I did feel that the woman my Dad married was pushed on him by his neighbor. On the contrary he thinks that he owes her because she moved and sold her house on retirement to live with him. 9 Likes, 0 Comments - Life Coach (@lindadrosdowech) on Instagram: I was struggling after my dad died with my moms dementia, extended family issues, and oh yeah, I know this was very long, but I had to get these things off my chest. She has to work now. You may also want to suggest group therapy for her, if she is open to it. I call him and try to keep in touch and he gives only one word answers to my attempts at conversation. I think at some point, my ears and brain stopped listening and corresponding after he dropped this bombshell. I gulped down fear, as I rushed to find out what was happening. Your mom is in a beautiful, peaceful place and exists in pure love. I dont want him to make a huge mistake. I started the grieving process well before the end and do not want to waste a day of my life living it in mourning and lonliness. I agree with some of you that at this time of our lives we are very vulnerable, we can make mistakes with relationships because we dont have the tools, awareness, and you become almost like a teenager, naive in some ways, excited about anything new, and different, remember we have been in a safe relationship for years.