He wanted to be in counseling we got him started. Or that he ever had considered it before. I am in shock and just pray that God will look over me and send me strength in the long road of recovery ahead. Esmeralda P Garcia December 28, 2018 at 8:50 pm Reply. He had so many dreams, to become a professional basketball player, or a vlogger on YouTube. My sister was my best friend. It all happened one year ago exactly. Now I will say time will never heal this wound, I only have learned to navigate it better and to be an advocate. Desi. At first when I saw the sealed car I worried that my new neighborhood isnt safe. Technology is good of course, but I think some young people and adults overuse it as a way to feel connected when in fact they are notwe NEED real connections with real people. Family we were so close and I cant deal with WHY, Marion Tenneson December 28, 2022 at 3:18 pm Reply, Please approve our story for publication; So sad, anyone who has looked after a loved one with mental illness or dementia will know how hard it is physically and mentally. He was so much more than a pedophile, I just wish i could have gotten him too see that. And let me add that the girl he had a crush on was the most special of all of them. I just immediately dead faced, began packing our bags. Nothing. Almost exactly 1 year ago , August 2nd,2017 he committed suicide. Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand. She of course told him she had to ask her parents first and would let him know. Its been excruciating and hard not to disconnect/detach from others. I know you feel alone in this but I assure you there are people who understand exactly how much you are hurting. Frank, I want to give my condolences!!! I have a hard time sleeping and cant help thinking he orchastraded this just to cause me more pain an agony even after his death. He said he was disgusting human being with a sick fucked up head who deserved nothing but pain and death. I say that because it wasnt known at the time. It helped me and I think it will help you. I did kinda like him but I had just gotten out of a relationship and I wasnt really ready for another one. Savannah Elizabeth Speight April 1, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply. Of course they asked my husband and I to keep an eye out which we did. How could they understand the depth of despair that it causes ? But felt so connected to him from a spiritual place. He started doing drugs at 17. I truly wish you all will be able to find some comfort somewhere in this time of grief. I vented here about my anger and hurt over my fathers suicide. His father, sister, brother, and me are hurting so deeply. Im so scared, but I dont think I can go through with it knowing I could hurt my kids so badly. My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, its going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. In many instances, there has been discussion of suicidal thoughts or past suicide attempts. I tried and have no guilt feelings because I did all I could for him, but dear God since he died a part of me died too ! He had a way about him that made us feel welcome and wanted and cared for. He was so smart and was the only one i could have the wierd talks. I understand that you feel guilty about your husbands suicide This is so normal. But I truly thought things were getting better as he got older. I am struck by the number of postings here. i am devastated. Put off major decisions if you can. We planned to live together as I was finishing high school that year and she was so excited about me, starting the University and finally living the joyful life we deserved, far away from our narcissistic toxic and violent mother. I wanted to take the time to encourage you never to give up, It is not my intent to persuade or convince anyone, nor should it be considered a replacement for sound medical advice but rather for you to know there is an optional treatment, completely natural and has no side effects. Suicide is the biggest killer of men in the UK under 50. Dear Stacy, I am deeply sorry to hear about your dad. Obviously Ive started with my own grief response, instead of focusing on the grief responses of others, because of the goal of adding nuance of understanding and support to this thread. He hung himself in our basement, and I had to get him down and try to perform CPR. It still hurts and I wake up thinking about him, all day and night. I feel angry that he could do this to us.. I listen, let her cry & hold her. Like many he enjoyed playing computer games and found companionship with online-friends around the world. The aftermath never goes away. He had recently returned home after living with girl friend and her family for 3 years. Groups help when youre ready I think. I left to stay with some friends. I want him to see her walk and talk. He took his life in front of both my parents. I will say this, seeking out a life coach was the best thing I could have done for myself. That hed had great losses as a consequence. This is a good article and I can relate to most of it. He was retired Navy, and served for21 years. I hope you have those around you to give you the love and support that you need, even though they might not truly understand all that your grieving, as his mother, entails. Please never ever be afraid to get the help you need the help and support you deserve as a human being! Know that someone else out there knows how you feel. im glad i was not the one who found him, i was the last one to see his beautiful face and thats how i will always remember him. Not having a job plays into this I believe also. No one can understand this struggle and the pain unless it has happened to you. Stability was maintained until puberty hitI cannot even remember all that happened it was so fastI was working to support everyone and every one had their own needs and everything went every which way.. I fear that statistic will be true for me one day. He said Matt ( my dad, his stepdad) shot himself. I was just stuck. Jeff and I were extremely close. I will forever live with the guilt that me being unable to be his wife and his soul support emotionally physically and psychologically meant that he could no longer draw breath. I found him dead on my bed with his brains on the floor. My oldest grandchild hung herself on January 28, 2018. Many said he was their best friend, and every one of them felt they could have stopped it with a well timed text message or an I love you. Looking back I think I was being so cold and mean that she had no other way to fight back.She had never really hurt me bad but I guess because of my past abuse in childhood and as a young woman I was not able to deal with this. It is devastating, but it means that people often do things that they would never do otherwise. Jeff called me multiple times but this one time he did not. Cynthia January 6, 2019 at 4:26 pm Reply, I feel your pain my awesome perfect boyfriend took his own life 4 days ago. Especially you folks that are the ones that found your loved ones. My mom ended her life on 05/20/2018 I found her she still had a pulse I was on the phone screaming at 911 to get here fast I heard my mom take her last breath knowing there was nothing I could do to save her because she shot herself in the head behind her right ear and she was taking a blood thinner, the Sheriff finally showed up like 30 minutes later and then the ambulance I was standing outside bawling trying to understand why the officer came outside to me and told me he was sorry for my loss I just hit the ground screaming no and crying my eyes out. Kieron October 29, 2020 at 3:46 pm Reply. I began crying and shaking, I could barely eat anything. She was later confirmed dead. I didn't even know these statistics until my Dad. I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me. "My younger brother snapped and killed my mother and himself. the questions that never will have an answer, the plans that just vanished, the hopes, everything. My bright, happy 21 year old son killed himself with a hand gun 11 years ago. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. My sister fell or jumped off a very tall bridge outside of the friends house i was staying at 4 years ago. To me I didnt lose a father, I lost an abuser, so theres nothing to be sorry for. May 1, 2021 8:16am. I am lost, scared, confused. I couldn't really take it all in. 03 Mar 2023 08:46:10 Do not accept blame from yourself or others. He was a great Airman. Cat McClintock August 17, 2020 at 12:49 pm. I helped him move into an apartment, continued taking him to his appts, started attending AA again, and we mutually divorced. A recording of the 911 call, lasting more than two minutes, was . You sound exactly like me and what Im going thru. I definitely feel isolated. I cant seem to understand OR believe it. He put me onto the raiders bc of Bo Jackson, my first son is named Jackson. Time is all we have. What do you do when your favorite confidants have left you alone in this world? I know how you feel slightly, but when you state what hope is there? Now we live in the countryside with some woods on one side of our property, which is the way he was heading. His memorial was 3 days ago, and Im not a good public speaker, but I still spoke in front of everyone to pay my respects to him and his family, because I know that was the right thing to do. Ive bought picture frames and printed pictures of him. October 22, 2019 my partner of 20 years hung himself in our garage. Although I could have done more towards the end, I must forgive myself, as I did the best I could with the knowledge at hand, at that time. The reason is that it contains what is know as the Shadow Factor. Be extremely patient and things will definitely get a little better with time thinking of them keeps them alive. She left us because there was a create deal of abuse and abandonment in her life. I was even stupid enough to tell him that I usually lie to myself to make bad memories feel like dreams, so he began telling himself that all of his happy memories werent real and hes only ever known pain. The reason I wanted to share this with you, Albert, is because, while what Rita said does hold weight, I recognize that perhaps it doesnt really convey the comfort you need it wouldnt have for me, anyway. I am beyond devastated , cant really eat and cant barely stand. That he didnt want to hurt people he loved, but he wasnt capable. Hi Pam. I feel so many emotions, sadness, guilt, confusion but oddly no anger. My little sister killed herself 10 years ago, she was 20. But one thing I will say is that you are only human and it is ok to ask for help, but be prepared to have self- empowerment. Family members disagree about how they want to discuss the death privately within the family. Im beginning to find the weeds between the cracks a few with dandilions. Thats exactly how I feel/felt. On Jan 7th my baby brother hung himself. Im angry that he was punished for things his sickness did.Im told I missed out on inevitable heartache. I have let everyone who loved him know how he died, so that they can also recognize the tragedy for what it is, and remember and pray for his soul, accordingly. Not him. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. I cant handle the finality of it. Katie, I dont know what the answer is to our problem. I talk about it to people and do not hide it. The Alabama alum plays inside, completing the three-cone drill in . Maria B August 3, 2020 at 5:57 am Reply. Angelina January 2, 2020 at 7:12 pm Reply, My dad hung himself less than a week ago, hed been struggling with bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction for the past couple of years. My brother just killed himself about two months ago. I reminded her that I am always here for her despite the fact we dont see each other regularly (she was in school in DC and me in RI). The next day he lost his teaching job. You are not alone and by sharing my grief it seems to be helping me. This sort of traumatic loss can make it even harder to cope with grief and it can increase the feelings you describe like isolation and emptiness. Some days Im ok and other days the hole is just immensely unbearable. Kieron, I am truly so very sorry for the multiple losses you had to endure. I realize that he was just human, so I forgive him for whatever he was able to do or not do, during his life. I cant believe it still My family are so devastated and I cant see us being the family we were once more. Myo refers to muscle, and Trophic means nourishment No muscle nourishment. When a muscle has no nourishment, it atrophies or wastes away. My 26 year old brother shot himself last week. I never got to meet the young man but I have cried my tears with my daughter for him. He and I watched each other grow up. This was my last real fun father-daughter moment (Beside putting a bird in vodka for my final exams since I study biology but thats another story), that I will truly cherish forever. They are available 24 hours a day, every day. Regards. This has been a roller coaster of emotions because he was the perfect man when things were good, but when stress/ anxiety/ depression/ life situations took over, all those uneasy feelings kept coming back. Maybe your relationship with your dad is strained, but that doesnt mean your feelings toward him are lacking relationships are always complicated, and its okay to be angry or spiteful toward him; its okay to still be upset that he is sick while still being angry and distant; its okay to not be all too bummed out about it, too. Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. Parisa August 20, 2020 at 11:05 pm Reply, After 24 hours being missing they found hermy sons fianc. Now is the time where despite our differences. Time DOES not heal all wounds, it is the action you take (grief counselor/grief support group etc) Just as flat tire will remain flat unless you take action to mend it You can sit by that tire all day and it will not mend itselfsame with a broken heart, take action to heal and you will feel better. My prayers are with you. I have been tormented, stalked, and blamed by my late Fiances friends and family. I am devastated that I didnt see this coming. That being said, you can feel free to comment with any questions here and I will do my best to answer them. He faced a severe battle with his inner demons and it still kills me today that I couldnt recognize that he was going through all of this and just kept it to himself. I am 16, my brother is 14, and my sister is 9. That he was sexually promiscuous and non-committal, and inconsistent, and had low tolerance for interactions and needed breaks from pretending. Please Chester. We miss my dad every day. Thank you for your kind words Leesa,sorry for your loss x, Christina February 12, 2019 at 10:31 pm Reply. I found him, just like I believe he knew I would. Im not sure I feel like I really belong in any group of bereaved people. It never gets easier and we will never know the Why? It was the most horrific experience but I would rather it was me that found him than anyone else. Sorry for the rant. Its awful. here seems like a good place to just, i dont know, put it out? I lost my dearest friend to suicide Oct 2020. What is it ?! If that were something you would find comfort in, you would have arrived upon that conclusion yourself I am so sorry for the lack of understanding and empathy you have found in the world. Ive blamed myself for not being the son that I should have been. I was in shock the first few days after the phone call and felt i had to fly out to his final living place. I went outside to see what he was doing. He told me it was ok and that we had time, but I went to call him the next day and his mom answered the phone. I prayed to the Divine Creator to bless all the house, and to sanctify the room where they died. what kind of life is this; a life without color.. We lost our son, and two years later our daughter in law remarried and her husband died exactly like our son 6 weeks after they got married. I dont think all the time in the world will heal how i feel. Its so normal to have a mix of good and bad days. OP, I don't know you but my heart absolutely breaks for you and your family and his family. When we lost him to a sudden heart attack right in front of both of us we fell apart. When she was 19, Jazz*, now 21, spent about six months struggling to break up with her boyfriend. I have truer to get help for the pain and grief but have no where to go. My son Tony took his life on July 3rd 2018 he was 24 he hung himself in wooded area next to my daughter house he was the baby of the family a amazing young man with a beautiful baby boy Brooklyn he was 16months old he had split with Brooklyn mum the horrific things she said and done killed him because words can kill Ive lost somone so precious Brooklyn lost his dad sister brother all his family friends devastated wee love miss him so much but I have opened support group in Tonys name if a can save one person from feeling so alone well Tony never died in vane sorry for everyones loss to suicide its such a horrendous grief a rollercoaster that you cant get off pain guilt feeling of not going on another day nothing will ever feel good again but Tony wouldnt want this hurt a try my best to go on my mother lost her life to suicide when I was 4 my brother in law lost his life to hanging at 20 you just dont no what someone is feeling inside Tony was a funny happy boy he was no angel but he is now flying high in the Skye God luv him a should have saved him . I know that no one can help me feel better but myself. But I wish I just couldve heard his voice one last time. Yes, its like people are afraid that they will catch something if you share the dastardly news. He was a habitual Cannabis user from age thirteen and also took class A drugs occasionally at parties. For others, family can be a source of distressingconflictandmisunderstandingafter a death. I will not let this destroy me, own me forever. I realize that he always loved me, and I always loved him. Katie, just hang on for your child and things will get a little better as you watch your child grow up. Five hours later my husband and I found him hanging in an old barn. Her daughter, my godchild and niece, died three months ago from cancer. I still dont know when or how she took the pills that killed her. One grief article I read stated Grief is your own, and only yours. Others might not understand, but there are others who do understand. It is a ravaging, harrowing death and grief. Its like being turned inside out with no way back. I cant unfeel what I felt, I cant unsee what I saw. Jamey December 24, 2018 at 12:43 am Reply. Go climb the shedits only ice and snow on the ground it wont hurt if you fall. His daughter found him. Michelle July 12, 2020 at 1:02 pm Reply. June Hutson November 12, 2019 at 4:21 pm Reply. More than anything I just wish he said a simple goodbye to me before walking out the door. He comes to me in vivid dreams as well. Yes, I often want to say he shot himself in the head, but I know that would cause too much distress for the listener. What were his last few thoughts? My father shot himself May of this year. My son was diagnosed with schizophrenia 5years ago, with a series of life-threatening symptoms of hallucinations, delusion, and depression, Even with rigorous therapies, antipsychotic medications, and some controversial alternative treatments the condition didnt improve. Today was the day my brother killed himself. My husband is ill with MS and I have been looking after him for 18 years. He was our biggest fan. Goals. Due to a less than desirable childhood we both saw me as the parental figure in the family, never learning coping skills or mature ways of handling my emotions thus never being able to properly parent my siblings. I walk out to my kitchen to hear the news that my brother has hung himself. We are grappling with grief that has been paralyzing beyond comprehension. It is all, admittedly, a work in progress. Back story. I want to do a DNA test and prove that the child was not his. He wasnt in the house and the dog was shaking. I still fail to understand why it was okay to do this to us, we never did anything wrong. It makes the memories the feelings of love and happiness feel real. I worked in Childrens Service when this happened and I was treated poorly, due to people not knowing how to approach me. We both did our best for as long as we could, given the circumstances and the information at hand at that time. I feel incredibly alone. Keep that big heart and train yourself. I miss him every day. Therese Kyker August 14, 2022 at 10:53 pm Reply. I miss him so much and I dont know what Im supposed to do now. I spent this last summer listening to Leo's videos, meditating, applying to jobs, and talking my brother down from multiple suicide attempts (he tried 30 different times from May to July. Not that I could have prevented his death, because no one could I guess. We sat in strained silence for what felt like an age and a half. Im a lot needier than I was before this loss. Her upbringing was fraught with addicted parents and grandparents. even the relationship with his ex was the best it ever was, he said what else could i ask for. saige overson July 5, 2021 at 6:38 pm Reply. I will never be the same again, and even my personality has changed since this loss, but I feel that it will make me a better personwiser, kinder, softerto have known such suffering myself. I cannot, not learn from this situation. Be your idea of a good person (thoughtful, kind, empathetic, etc.). I refuse to sit in the dark and grieve for something that didnt make me happy. My mom said he was talking until they closed the doors to the ambulance. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. Coreys Celebration of Life is scheduled for next Friday, 6 weeks after his death. I saw him reach for the gun, but he told me he was just pushing it back. The one that raised me, held my hand through life. Regina November 26, 2018 at 8:04 am Reply. The guilt is just a strong undercurrent flowing beneath the pain. I woke up the next morning to a text that said Im sorry, GB I thought he may have meant goodnight, until I got the phone call saying they found his body. Your comment made me think of the episode. I had never tried so hard to help and failed. I have no words to explain the heartache or pain and I have begged and begged to just wake up and have it all be a cruel joke. Please dont take your lack of connection here as an indication that you are alone in all of this. He expressed the wish to be a boy. I was married for 25 years to a man that cheated on me. He chose to leave me and the people he loved that day and that has always been the hardest part for me. So Ive carried that guilt of not being there or even not being on good terms. My ex-husband, and the father of our 8yo daughter died by suicide on Fri 11/30/18. Theres so much I dont know. We were really close and I was very involved in seeking help for himIve avoided support groups because of my anxiety, but today was such a difficult day for methat I know its time for counseling and a support group. Please remember that often when we cant make sense of a situation, our brains often seek a cause. It wasnt just all fun and games with us, we have a history, weve been thru a lot, but at the end of the day he was a human being with a family and friends who loved him endlessly. Even though we were divorced and often at odds, his death has truly gutted me. The rapper's 34-year-old brother, Glenn Johnson, reportedly committed suicide Tuesday. She deserved the world and he took if from her. Many people dont even read comment sections by choice because they feel its too much. I cry daily of course hiding it from my family. Isabelle Siegel January 25, 2021 at 9:49 am Reply. We are a family broken. His wife and him started using heroin and his wife overdosed and died. Or even help someone else change their mind about taking their own lives. The intention is to replace the existing terminology, mainly the term committed suicide as committed refers to things like crime and religious offenses and contributes to the stigma around suicide. Its a loss I will never get over. My ex-wife took her life 2 weeks ago un-expectedly. I cry more for his soul and the hell he must have been going through than I have ever cried before. We had plenty of great times, as we were together for 21 1/2 years, but unfortunately Im finding that the bad times are the ones that stick out most to me. I miss him. About a year later and a whole lot of other issues (oldest came out as transgender amongst them) I had an epiphany: what good does it due to be angry with a dead man.? Because you never know what day may be their last, or what may be their making or breaking point. He will always be on my mind. Julie W December 12, 2020 at 12:05 pm Reply, My husband took his life after a long battle with mental illness. I am very sorry for everyone here and their losses! Your story was the only one i could find similar to mine. I can not believe that some body can make you jump from the rooftop of the 19th floor building. Phyllis German March 6, 2018 at 9:31 pm Reply. I was the sole provider the five years she was in maternity leave and when I point that out she says what about before they were born when you were out of work and I carried you. My siblings and I are taking care of my mom now but who is going to be there to take care of me? I heard him go back to the cabinets. I cant help but blame myself because I knew he was struggling. He went to the truck and I watched him grap his 357 magnum and put it to his head and blew his brains out. But im not. Arce February 28, 2023 at 12:59 am Reply. i was the last thought he had before he pulled the trigger, how can i not hold some sort of blame. Also, I want to invite anyone who has been touched by suicide to share your experiences in the comments below. Every single day. Im very grateful to TAPS for helping us through this awful journey. I am moved to try to help others who are suffering with grief and to assist in prevention efforts in the future. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish I could of been what my wife desires. I am sorry for your profound loss and I too am amazed by some of the people who have never come forward to express sympathy. I loved him more than life itself. I just feel so lost, confused, hurt, and sad, I just found out two days ago that my sweet sweet brother hanged himself. If you are someone grappling with this concern, know that it is normal. I found his body. I didnt. I will carry his memory in my heart and in my mind for as long as I will be able to, wherever I will go, for the rest of my days.